The Theft Protection

Myths and Facts About Identity Theft


– (sighs) Will I ever find love in this square, hollow world? In this horrible seed, this generated seed of nothingness, of– (gasps) A match! I got a match! I got a match! I got a match! God I’m so alone. (upbeat music) I haven’t got a lot going for me. I can make tables, sometimes. I can make gates. I mean I’m sure this is weird for you too. You know, I’m sure you’re in some more of the oak variety
or apple, I don’t know. I have cut down trees before. I have a lot of experience
(giggles) handling trees. There are things that
I’ve made from wood is… You wouldn’t even believe okay. I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna be that guy who’s like, oh look at me,
I’m so good about wood. But I am that guy. (crowd chatters) Did you want dessert, maybe? – Whoa, sorry man! – Whoa, whoa watch where
you’re going, you just… (hems and haws) Yeah, call me, call me if you want. Why is this so difficult, man? I just want some loving. Anything! Any match will do, any– (gasps) Could this be it? Have I found true love? (Tracer laughs) So then yeah, I actually
eventually did find my car keys and I was able to drive my car. That’s the story. – (laughs) You’re funny, love. – Really, you think I’m funny? – Yeah, love, I’ve got brain damage! – Sweet, that’s actually
one of my favorite things to look for in a, (sighs) in a woman. – You wanna skedaddle from
here and go back to my place? – Really? – Yeah, love, I’ll take us there. (screams) (gasps) (coughs) – Never! (coughs) Never again. (pants) Never again. – You alright there, love? Take your trousers off then. – Oh, oh, oh see, slight problem. I’m not actually wearing
trousers, this is like a skin. Like, I’ve been painted
on, if that makes sense. Like, imagine I’m a plank of wood and I’ve been painted on, so
they’re not actually trousers. – What are you going on about, love? – I can’t perform the necessary, I can’t perform the necessary requirements that you require from… I don’t have a penis, okay! – You what? – There’s nothing there, okay. There, I said it! Like, the most action
I ever get is rubbing my body against the stone
wall, you know what I mean? Like, that’s my level. That is a level that I’ve reached. (cries) (tragic music) Can you hug me or something?
I don’t know, anything. – Don’t worry, love, I feel the same. I can’t take off my costume. If I do, I’ll go to a different dimension. – (sniffs) So, you’re like me? We can pretend to be stone walls together? – Yes, love, a match made in the heavens. (slow, piano music) Uh oh. (screams) – I’m just gonna, call me? (screams)

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