The Theft Protection

Myths and Facts About Identity Theft


[sips]
Ahh! [sounds of oceans waves] Yeah, so it’s summertime,
which means you have to go to the beach. If you choose to. And stay out in the sun. And have all sorts of sand and crap all over
you and listen to annoying HAPPY CHILDREN! And birds and look at men with hairy nipples and American
flags. Speaking of hairy-nippled men, volleyball… is pretty much associated in my mind with summer. I was going to have an interesting little
cutscene here of me finding something on the beach, but I got lazy and I’m not making it! Instead, here is a picture of a monkey with
a basketball. I guess that makes it a monkey ball. Ba-dum tish. Introducing Kings of the Beach for the NES, as well as the Commodore 64 and DOS systems. It’s a game by Ultra Games. “Dig It!” “Sun-bathed beaches” “from San Diego to Sydney are yours to conquer.” “as you challenge heavy-hitting volleyball
superstars…” Blah, blah, blah, opening scene, match point, slam-fest, timing, aces, kills, digs, stuff. IT’S VOLLEYBALL! THAT’S IT! WHY would you put this much effort in to
the BACK of a BOX of a VOLLEYBALL GAME?! It’s volleyball. You don’t have to “nineties-ize” it to death. The back of this is making my head
hurt from all the intense marketing. Inside is a little bit better. You have a standard-looking black-and-
white cheap manual from Electronic Arts. “Learning How To Play.” Lemme guess: you press A and B? Oh my goodness. You do. You have your role models which are Sinjin Smith and Randy Stoklos. They are volleyball champions, apparently,
in real life. The rest of it is pretty stupid. It shows you drawings of naked men. So, let’s stick it in the NES. And play. ‘Cause that’s what you do with these games. 1989. Oh, it says Konami. I didn’t know that. And of course, now you have your role
models here again. It has to remind you. Makes me wanna go out right now. And buy posters of them. At Target because it’s trendy. [whistle] [NES music] Pretty typical NES music, but I happen to
like it. You have your three different training areas:
Bump, Set and Spike. I’m going to Bump here just to see how much
I suck. And as it turns out, I can bump the ball rather
well. I could also do the other one. However, I really, really, really run into
some problems with Spike. In fact, if you made the argument that
it’s impossible to perfectly align yourself to do these things all the time, I would agree with you. The timing is just weird and you jump and there’s like a slight delay, so for some reason you just can’t connect. Serving takes the same aspect. So you’ll be kicking the sand a lot. And when I say “you,” I mean me. Because I’m really horrible at this. And to be honest, I don’t really
like volleyball that much anyway. I always ended up looking stupid while playing
it and fell down on the court and looked like
a moron and generally ended up jumping up and down, doing the same stupid stuff that this guy
in the pink is. Yeah, that’s me in the pink on the left. The guy in the, uh, white thong Speedo thing
is my… “partner.” The graphics are decent. I suppose. They’re nothing fancy. Pretty simplistic but I do like the animations. Especially the sand kicking and– Whenever you happen to make a move that you don’t particularly like, I, I don’t know, I just press all the buttons. I think you can actually press Select and you actually go to the ref and complain. Which is completely freakin’ cool! Not enough sports games where you
can go to the ref and complain, I say. It doesn’t do anything but give you a yellow
or red card. The red card doesn’t do anything, so whatever. These guys just handed my sandy butt to me, so I’m gonna try something
else here in the registration tent. There is a blond girl with very large features saying you should sign in. The options are pretty standard. You can play with another person, or you can play with the Nintendo. I prefer to play with the Nintendo because
I am a loser, and I do not have any friends. Well, I, I actually do have a few friends,
but they’re not by choice. They just sort of come and go. I think we call them “Facebook friends.” At least, that’s what I hear from the kids
nowadays. But they never wanna play Nintendo with me. The tournament mode is
essentially the exact same thing. Where you have multiple
games in a row to get pwned at. So there’s really not too much else to see
here. I also really wanna mention the DOS game. The introduction screen has awesome AdLib
music. [AdLib music] But in the actual game, there’s
none of that. It’s all PC speaker. [PC speaker music] The same well-rounded lady– who looks like she has an intensely bad sunburn and her eyes are peeled back with Botox– is standing there waiting for you to sign
in. The controls are… much the same. The spiking is still impossible. You press L, colon, and apostrophe in order to do the different
things. An interesting side note about these games is that there are other Electronic Arts people
in here, such as Lester from Skate or Die and Mack from Hard Hat Mack. There’s also Arnold Schwarzenegger for some
reason and another guy who looks like Ivan Drago or whatever from Rocky. If you happen to win any of these,
at least on the DOS version, you are greeted by another feminine burn victim, who seems to be fisting her foot for some
reason. She gives you such high words of praise, such as “Great going, guys!” “You’re on your way.” “Hope you can keep it up when
the going gets hot and heavy!” Yep. It says that. That is what she said. Kings of the Beach is… intensely decent and all-around okay. It’s a volleyball game. As far as volleyball games go, I guess you don’t get too much better than
this. There’s only three of them on the NES and only a couple of them on the computer,
so… take what you get, don’t complain, sit down, and enjoy it! Because if not, Sinjin and Stoklos will come and kick you in the face! Knocking your head off. And then using it as a volleyball… to “bag chicks.” On the beach. Because they’re the KINGS! Of the beach.

100 thoughts on “LGR – Kings of the Beach – NES / PC Game Review

  1. I used to play this a lot when I was a kid =P I loved getting pissed off and screaming at the referee XD that was awesome =P

  2. uuuh actually, if the ball fell very near the line, the ref will A LOT of times change the result!!! giving you the points, if the ball fell in favor of the other team completely, you will lose, but if it's really near the line, it make a huge difference.

  3. Not really, at least if you're talking about the IBM PC standard. Consoles were arguably much better than PCs until around 1991-92, and then PCs dominated. Now, if you're talking about personal computers in general, you had systems like the Commodore Amiga that were miles ahead of the consoles of the time.

  4. sometimes he would give you the point when you complained, it was a gamble, i played this on the pc, it looked slightly better

  5. my friend and i used to beat the fuck out of this game. great game with the NES Four Score, totally rad.

  6. The Michael Jackson comment alone earned this a like. Your videos are hands down the best, please keep up the great work.

  7. Haha, 'intensely decent & all-around OK' is the perfect description! 😀
    The DOS version handles better, I've actually managed to finish it once – barely winning the last match with 19-17. Complaining with the ref can help reverse some of his decisions, depending on winddirection.

  8. After seeing Depth Dwellers and Corridor 7 or whatever it was, I keep wondering when we might see a Blake Stone review? If you did it already and I just happened to have missed it, appologies.

    PS: I would so play Nintendo with you. Just saying.

  9. Gotta love the beach: Where you can build sandcastles, and swim, and get attacked by a shark and die, or get taken by a rip and die, or momentarily forget out to swim and die, or get hit by a jetski and die, or stay on the shore where it's safe, and get sunburn and skin cancer and die.

  10. The Angry Lazy Nerd 🙂 I also loved your description of the game being "intensely decent & all-around OK." I'll have to use that sometime.

  11. This was one of the best for commodore 64 and we played it for months.
    By the way the delay at the strikes is to make it harder and more fun(this is how they used to make games back then)

  12. Shoot man I never knew why the freak we owned this game one the nes it sucked and I didnt know how to play it. When my brother moved out I just gave  it away so it could be a virus for someone else. Nes games either always were terrible like this game or impossible to beat. I was born in the 80s and prob played at least 100 nes games and only beat kirby without a game genie.

  13. You didn't know that chicks are keeping their vaginas on the bottom of their feet these days?  What a freaking noob…

  14. I have always wanted to go to the beach with one of the things that pick up metal like you see in 90`s tv shows like Bay Watch. idk seems fun to me lol
    dose anyone do those things like this you see in 90`s tv for real?

  15. this was hilarious
    I played the shit out of this game in the 90s, you can play 4 players and when you argue with the ref, it DOES effect the score of the game

  16. it's pretty frustrating at first but once you got used to it controls delay , the king of the beach is a fun game. played this on the n.e.s a lot's and beated all of the game tournament Including the hardest difficulty.

  17. I love the anger and irritation in video. Volleyball can suck my ass! BTW that last girl is camel toeing the hell out of that green one piece swimsuit.

  18. LGR you must suck at the controls, because the PC version is very playable, I played it to death as a teenager and could win 10 matches or so. Spiking is very easy once you get the hang of it, it's is defending that is the real hard bit to master.

    I wish there would be a modern remake of this little gem of a game. One of my favourites from the EGA era.

    I play a round every 4 years during the olympics…. on dosbox. hence my comment at this old video 😀

  19. The anger at the back of the box made me chuckle. In more recent reviews I've seen you cherish the extra effort put into instruction manuals and such.

  20. Being a really old review from 2009, still was entertaining! i liked this review a lot actually! cool to see what your early reviews were like! 😀

  21. I was watching this at 5 am in bed. When you said let me guess you press A and B to play I started laughing so hard I woke my wife up. I blame YOU lol

  22. Interesting coincidence! I am sorting NES games' meta data for upload to retropie, whilst watching your vids in order. Going through cover art, I came across this game while this episode came on….. maybe I should go outside.

  23. My girlfriend loves old Nintendo games… (we're both 27 by the way, for some context) and that's cool. Nintendo isn't my thing but I appreciate retro gaming. But she does it in such a lame way. She likes the games she played as a kid, regardless of whether or not they were crap, which this one is.

    anyway

    once she asked me if I'd play Kings of the Beach with her. I said sure, I don't have a problem playing retro games if it's for a short period of time.

    So she set the game up but she didn't realize that she didn't actually select a second player. She was playing against the computer and I realized this right away, but she didn't, so I just randomly mashed away on the controller as the computer kicked her ass. She was blown away at how good I was for like 15 minutes until she finally caught on that I wasn't playing at all.

    good ol nintendo.

  24. Have you ever even played the other volleyball games for NES? Superspike Vball is the best by far and one of the best sports games of all time.

  25. Wow, these older reviews are kind of crap. You really improved a lot since the old days. Definitely prefer your newer content.

  26. Definitely used to enjoy this game on my NES as a kid. If I recall correctly, you could argue with the ref on balls that were close to the line and sometimes get the call overturned. Not sure how accurate it was, but as someone who has argued with plenty of refs over the years I enjoy the extra touch.

  27. Geezus I still remember watching Smith and Stoklos play on TV when I was bored outta my mind as a kid. Great players or whatever.

  28. The women in the DOS version of this game look like Fallout characters. Especially the one in the green bikini, due to her face.

    I can't be the only one thinking this. Don't they look like survivors of a Nuclear heat wave?

  29. I played the PC version a lot as a kid. It's not nearly as hard as Clint makes it look here. Also complaining to the ref can work, if the ball lands right near the edge of the field you can get him to reverse his rulings.

  30. Wow, this is what you'd get if you let ME run a game review channel. "The fucking beach. Fucking fuck it. It's not good at all. IT"S NOT GOOD AT ALL!"

  31. LGR would you consider remaking this video? Looks like it could be a fun review and in it's current state it has not aged well

  32. Always liked this game. With practice serving and spiking become easy. Also, part of the movement to the proper location is automated… you have to get used to it. Sometimes when you argue a call you'll be awarded the point or serve. Red cards actually do something as well. ☺

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